I turn my face toward Jerusalem...

I come to the door of the house, carrying my jar of ointment, still wondering what possessed me to come. As I bribe the doorkeeper -- who knows me -- to let me in, I wonder what He will do when I touch His feet. If He should kick at me, it is only what I deserve, but if He does before I can anoint Him, what then? What then? No answer comes. And now I am already inside, burning under the hostile gaze of everyone in the room. Oh, God, it is a regular dinner party! They all know, they all accuse, they all wonder how I gained entrance. Even the maidservants stare.

But there He is, and he is not looking at me. He is attentive to a conversation which He has just begun with someone on the opposite side of the table -- almost as though He is deliberately distracting attention from me -- and others are joining in now, too. The oppressive, silent accusation is lifted, and I make my way to Him. As I remove His sandals, he doesn't flinch, and I begin to weep. He is letting me touch Him! He is letting me touch Him without fuss or ceremony; I didn't even have to ask! As my tears fall on His ankle accidentally, I realize how dirty these feet are. Whatever water I can, I use; my tears shall cleanse Him even as they cleanse my heart from so much worry, so much shame. All my memories of sin, I pour out of my eyes; all my wishes to begin again as a new woman, become tears to wash away the dust on these precious feet. But what shall I use to dry them? Even my clothes are tainted by my past life -- I cannot dirty these feet anew by using defiled veil or dress. But my hair is mine, God-given from before I fell away from him. Pulling back my veil, I loosen its combs and let its coils tumble down. Gently, I dry away my tears and try to calm the tremors in my stomach and hands. How can He be allowing this? He still has not even looked at me!

Finally I reach for my jar. Though this ointment cost me nearly all my ill-gotten fortune, it now pales in the face of what this wandering prophet has given me. I no longer desire any vestige of my sinfulness, any remnant of this life, and I break the neck of the jar on the stone floor, emptying its entire contents on the feet before me. The noise and smell which soon overpowers the room immediately bring attention back on me, and I hide my scarlet face by bending and kissing once more His now-pungent feet.

Then I hear his voice and feel a gently hand on my head. "Simon, I have something to say."

What ensued I can hardly admit even to myself. He described my actions beautifully, as if they were favors to Him instead of supplications, and then He turned to me, raised me up, and forgave me. Then, taking my veil and covering my head again, He said, "You shall no longer be a woman of the streets, but a woman of the Way. Come, follow me! You can stay with Simon Peter's family, and they will give you new clothes. With them, you will serve and follow me and my disciples."

A new life! A new path! I rejoiced even in my astounded state, and Simon Peter led me out through the streets to his mother. I am leaving everything behind! Everything, except those things stored in my heart...which, Simon points out, are all that He desires me to keep anyway.

Then I -- once again QM -- went back and spoke with this Jesus who had just asked me to come and follow Him. I began to understand that the Lord is asking me to come now, and leave behind my life in the world to join Him as he travels to Jerusalem and to Calvary. My service will be to Him and to others on the Way for the rest of my life, to be on the inside of the circle of disciples and to stay there, not going out to minister to those outside.

"But why, Lord? Why should I not care for those others?"
"Because other apostles will do so -- and you must care for them."
"But they don't have the mind I have, nor the talents..."
"...nor the heart! And it is for that very reason that I ask you to come with me. For you need and desire to be formed in my own Heart, before you can use all these gifts to the utmost for my glory. You must learn to be one with me and my Way, so that when you do finally write and speak, it is with my words and my Heart, not your own. This is not a case of what is right or wrong, or a case of what is good or bad, but rather a case of you. And because it is you whom I call, I call you to this life."
"So, just to be perfectly clear, Lord, are you asking me to serve you as a contemplative nun?"
"I am."
"Then, the Passionist Nuns?"
"Then, the Passionist Nuns." He smiled.
I fell to my knees. "Lord, have mercy on me, a poor sinner."
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This has been the weblog of Quantitative Metathesis, who departs on the morning of August 19 to begin her aspirancy with the Passionist Nuns in Whitesville, KY. You may catch glimpses of her new adventures at their own blog, found here. Please pray for her, as she does for you!

May the Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ be ever in our hearts!

Friendship

The days are starting to fly by. It hardly seems possible that I will be so soon embarking upon my monastic adventure...so soon setting my feet upon the path I have dreamed of for these years past...so soon setting aside the world and entering a new one. Reality has begun to make itself felt -- this is actually happening! I am actually going to be a Passionist nun!

I find myself often overwhelmed these days. Overwhelmed by an outpouring of friendship, love, and support from parishioners, by friends and family vying for a slice of the time I have left in Bellingham, by my own efforts at preparing the parish and my musicians for the transition soon to come. Most of all, I am overwhelmed by a desire to love the people around me, a desire that cannot possibly be fulfilled with the time and ability that I have right now. But I still so want to love them all!

I want to tell each of them how much this year has meant to me. I want to give each of them some token of my gratitude for their love -- so undeserved! -- and for their patience with the new kid on the block who really never knew what she was doing. I want somehow to show each of them what they have given me: love when I was lonely, support when I was weak, a purpose when I was drifting, and a home when I was lost. I didn't know what God was doing when He brought me to Bellingham last summer, but He obviously did. Deo gratias.

And I am now incapable of doing even the least of these things for my loved ones! I wish I could write each of them a meaningful letter, full of beautiful words and heartfelt sentiment, but I have no time for that. I wish I could throw a lavish banquet for everyone, but I have no means for that. I wish I could even show some of these deep emotions when I speak to them, but apparently I don't even have the energy for that! All I seem able to do is to accept their love. To let them lavish me with praise and support and meals and prayers and friendship.

It is so weird, this receiving and receiving and receiving, with nary a chance to give in return. It is a dimension of friendship that is uncomfortable, for all that I am grateful for the life-sustaining gifts I receive. It is, perhaps, a gift in itself to learn how to love in this way. In all truthfulness, this sort of love is exactly how we all are to God -- completely unworthy recipients of His love and abundant blessings. We all have to learn how to gratefully receive, despite our utter inability to give Him anything of our own.

So thank you, my friends, for everything. Thank you from the very bottom of my heart.

There Are No Words

I'm sitting down with my old friend Job tonight, pondering the eternal and infinite majesty of God. He is usually remembered for his contention with the Lord about suffering, and his boldness in questioning the Most High. But he also puts his finger on a profound and beautiful mystery in the midst of his sufferings. Job "gets" God's infinity.

"The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away; blessed be the name of the Lord."

To say that and really mean it? That takes a secure faith, love, and humility. That takes a recognition that God is bigger than me. That life is bigger. That love is bigger.

But even more than that, at the end of his "dialogue" Job captures a certain speechlessness about being in the presence of the Lord which rings particularly true in my heart these days.

"See, I am of small account; what shall I answer you?
I lay my hand on my mouth,
I have spoken once, and I will not answer;
twice, but will proceed no further."

"I know that you can do all things,
and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?'
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
'Hear, and I will speak;
I will question you, and you declare to me.'
I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear,
but now my eye sees you;
therefore I despise myself,
and repent in dust and ashes."

But even these quotes fail to express what I want to, because they merely reflect the freshly-chastened Job's humility. What strikes me here is that Job meets God face-to-face, and he realizes that there are no words to utter nor to answer. There is hardly even a thought, except that motion of the heart toward abandoning oneself in adoration.

The terrible beauty of God...the awful majesty...the raw power of pure Love. He can be as gentle as Elijah's tiny breeze and as bellicose as Sodom's bane; as beautiful as Eden's Creator and as bloody as the scourged and crucified One. God's faces are not to be numbered. But each one of them arrests the one He approaches. Each one of them changes us. Each one of them leaves us grasping at words, and finally sinking into the quiet of contemplation.

"Who is this?" we ask. "Who is this?"

There are no words.

Only God.



*matilla twitch to the St. Olaf Cantorei for the beautiful recording, and to St. Olaf's John Ferguson for composing the piece.

Res Decem

I just noticed that Argent tagged me quite a while ago. Oops. What was that you said about "before I go off to the hidden life," Arg?

Anyway, apparently I'm supposed to post ten honest things about myself. Hmm. Ten honest AND blog-appropriate things. Hmm....

1) I have lived nine different places in my life, and none of those moves have covered less than 2000 miles. In about a month, I shall be moving cross-continent again to my tenth (and, God willing, final) earthly home.

2) My favorite place in the whole wide world is the Monasterio San Benedetto at the top of the mountain above Subiaco, Italy. When there aren't any tourists around to assault the silence, that is.

3) My closet is color-coded:
purple red pink peach white yellow green teal blue indigo gray black.

4) I will miss wearing colors.

5) If I were only allowed one book, I would choose the Latin breviary (the new one). Do 4-volumes count as one, or four?

6) I use sealing wax whenever possible.

7) The Exsultet is my single favorite liturgical moment of the entire year.

8) I try to keep a list of every priest who has touched my life, and I pray for each of them. Said list is over 100 members long, and counting.

9) Probably the biggest temptation to leave my beautiful Passionist sisters would be if the Canons Regular of St. Augustine ever re-founded their sister abbey of Chorfrauen. Mostly because the canonesses would be even more ridiculously awesome than the canons, and that concept just blows my mind. I'm really glad they don't have any plans to do so.

10) I hate the internet. I have no idea why I spend so much time here, and I'm really looking forward to conventual restrictions in this regard.

I tag whomever wants to play the meme game!

Litany of Our Lord Jesus Christ, Priest and Victim

I recently received in the mail a brief note from my soon-to-be novice mistress. Knowing that I have discerned a particular call to pray for priests, she wanted to pass on a few materials that the mother superior had shared with the sisters on the occasion of the Year for Priests. Among them I found this beautiful litany, which I think I am going to start praying as a part of my daily devotions.

Lord, have mercy. Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy. Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy. Lord, have mercy.
Christ, hear us. Christ, hear us.
Christ, graciously hear us. Christ, graciously hear us.
God the Father in Heaven, Have mercy on us.
God the Son, Redeemer of the world, Have mercy on us.
God the Holy Spirit, Have mercy on us.
Holy Trinity, one God, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, Priest and Victim, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, Priest forever, according to the order of Melchizedek, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, Priest whom God sent to preach the Gospel to the poor, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, Priest who at the Last Supper instituted the form of the Eternal Sacrifice, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, Priest living forever to intercede for us, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, High Priest whom the Father anointed with the Holy Spirit and power, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, High Priest chosen from among men, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, made High Priest for men, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, High Priest of our Confession of Faith, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, High Priest of greater glory than Moses, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, High Priest of the true Tabernacle, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, High Priest of good things to come, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, High Priest, holy, innocent and undefiled, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, High Priest, faithful and merciful, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, High Priest, inflamed with zeal for God and souls, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, High Priest, perfect forever, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, High Priest who by Your own Blood entered into the heavens, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, High Priest who opened up a new way for us, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, High Priest who loved us and washed us from our sins in Your Blood, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, High Priest, who offered Yourself to God as an oblation and sacrificial victim, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, sacrificial victim of God and man, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, holy and immaculate sacrificial victim, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, pleasing sacrificial victim, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, peace-making sacrificial victim, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, sacrificial victim of propitiation and praise, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, sacrificial victim of reconciliation and peace, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, sacrificial victim in whom we have confidence and access to God, Have mercy on us.
JESUS, sacrificial victim living for ever and ever, Have mercy on us.
Be merciful, Spare us, JESUS.
Be merciful, Graciously hear us, JESUS.
From rashly entering the clergy. Deliver us, JESUS.
From the sin of sacrilege, Deliver us, JESUS.
From the spirit of incontinence, Deliver us, JESUS.
From sordid pursuits, Deliver us, JESUS.
From every lapse into simony, Deliver us, JESUS.
From the unworthy administration of the Church's treasures, Deliver us, JESUS.
From the love of the world and its vanities, Deliver us, JESUS.
From the unworthy celebration of Your Mysteries, Deliver us, JESUS.
Through Your eternal priesthood, Deliver us, JESUS.
Through the holy anointing whereby You were constituted a priest by God the Father, Deliver us, JESUS.
Through Your priestly spirit, Deliver us, JESUS.
Through the ministry by which You glorified Your Father on this earth, Deliver us, JESUS.
Through the bloody immolation of Yourself made once and for all on the Cross, Deliver us, JESUS.
Through that same sacrifice daily renewed on the altar, Deliver us, JESUS.
Through that divine power which You exercise invisibly in Your priests, Deliver us, JESUS.
That You would deign to maintain the whole priestly order in holy religion, We beseech You, hear us.
That You would deign to provide Your people with pastors after Your own Heart, We beseech You, hear us.
That You would deign to fill them with the spirit of Your priesthood, We beseech You, hear us.
That the lips of Your priests might preserve true knowledge, We beseech You, hear us.
That You would deign to send faithful workers into Your harvest, We beseech You, hear us.
That You would deign to multiply the faithful dispensers of Your Mysteries, We beseech You, hear us.
That You would deign to grant them perseverance in the service of Your will, We beseech You, hear us.
That You would deign to grant them gentleness in their ministry, resourcefulness in their actions, and constancy in prayer, We beseech You, hear us.
That through them You would deign to promote the veneration of the Blessed Sacrament everywhere, We beseech You, hear us.
That You would deign to receive into Your joy those who have served You well, We beseech You, hear us.
Lamb of God, Who takest away the sins of the world, Spare us, O Lord.
Lamb of God, Who takest away the sins of the world, Graciously hear us, O Lord.
Lamb of God, Who takest away the sins of the world, Have mercy on us, O Lord.
JESUS, our Priest, Hear us.
JESUS, our Priest, Graciously hear us.

Let us pray. O God, sanctifier and guardian of Your Church, raise up in her, through Your Spirit, suitable and faithful dispensers of the holy Mysteries, so that by their ministry and example, the Christian people may be guided under Your protection in the path of salvation. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

O God, Who, when the disciples were worshiping and fasting, ordered that Saul and Barnabas to be set aside for the work to which You called them, be present now to Your Church in prayer, and You, who know the hearts of all, show those whom You have chosen for Your ministry. Through Christ, Our Lord. Amen.

Cor Simplex Crea in Me, Deus

As the day draws nearer that I will get to enter the cloister walls to live, often I find myself asking myself, "why?" Why has God chosen to call me to this life? Why have I decided to follow? Why, despite all the sacrifices it entails and all the suffering my decision has sparked, do I find a well of peace within my heart? Why does my whole being rejoice with a feeling very close to relief at the prospect of soon entering formation to be a Passionist nun?

To the first question, I will never know the answer. God alone, may His name be praised, knows why He has called this fallen, weak, and fickle young blunderer into such an intimacy with Him. I would say that there is some mistake, that I must be wrong...except that every time I dare to entertain those thoughts, something very obvious happens to reconfirm His will and His call. He is not to be argued with!

The answer to the second "why" is always the same: I decide to follow Him because, well, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." The bigger question, really, is why on earth I took so many years to hear the question...and then so many more years to assent.

Whence comes the peace amidst the storm, and the relief in looking toward the future? I am convinced that it must be a matter of the heart. Right now my heart is very complex, divided into many rooms and fortified battlements and alleys leading in many and sundry directions. I have many loves, both ordered and disordered, that abide therein. It is rather like a medieval Italian fortress-city: beautiful, but also chaotic, crowded, convoluted, messy, and made of stone. But my heart, unlike the Italian city, was not made to be all of these things. It yearns not for chaos but for order, so that it can embrace and love more fully all the goods that come its way.

One of the most beautiful -- and most challenging -- facets of convent life, at least that I have noticed, is its ability to foster a simplicity of heart. Nearly every time I speak with a sister who has lived her vocation for many years, I am struck by how unified her love is, indeed, how wholly she is God's. She has become simple, not so much in her mind or actions -- for nuns have sharp wits and manifold pursuits, just like the rest of us! -- but certainly in her being and in her heart. You see, the very life and rhythm of the convent is ordered toward inward and outward simplicity. Every word and action there is deliberate and meaningful, and the silence fosters an awareness of self as does no other place that I've encountered. One realizes very quickly, in such an environment so singly pointed toward God, one's own dividedness.

I yearn to be undivided. I yearn to be perfectly ordered toward God who is Love, so that I can have the freedom to love everyone even more than I already do...but without feeling torn and pulled in opposite directions by my loves. And so I look toward the beginning of my formation with relief, knowing that I am about to enter the purifying fires of love...namely, poverty, chastity, and obedience.

Cor simplex crea in me, Deus.
An undivided heart create in me, o God.

Congratulations, Sister Rose Marie!

I know I usually only post once a week, and I've written *three* posts already this week, but this news is too good to have to wait any longer! It seemed like Sponsa Christi would never get around to posting the news on the Passionists' blog, but she finally has, and it is my great pleasure to proclaim the news on QM:

We have a new novice!

Click on over to In the Shadow of His Wings and check out the wonderful post on Postulant Shannon's vestition in the holy habit and her new name: Sister Rose Marie of the Merciful Heart of Jesus. Deo Gratias!